Choose Beauty Link Up

I'm joining in! Thoughts by Natalie blog kicked off a Choose Beauty Link Up. Talking about true beauty is one of my passions. I love helping other ladies realize that they are truly beautiful because they have character and an awesome personality. But this is one of the things I struggle with as well.

This is my story of finding my own true beauty:

I didn't realize that there was such thing as fashion until I was in middle school and my friends made fun of what I wore because I had none.  I wore overalls,  patches on my pants and a sweatshirt of my brothers inside out. This kicked off a long season of learning and eventually a down spiral in what I thought beauty was. I started to care too much.  It was a hassle having to keep up with my friends and figure out style and my body wasn't like any of theirs. I had no boobs, no figure,  crazy hair, and braces. I thought I was fun, I had a lot of friends and a lot of fun with them.

As the years passed I suppressed who I was for what I looked like. Not completely of course but I can definitely see where being so self-concious changed who I was. I want confident unless someone else told me I was good at something.  I didn't think I ever made it to being a fashionista. I tried not to care but it was too hard. 

When I was 16 I had a wonderful group of girl friends that in being honest with one another we had a series of conversations about beauty. Who we really wanted to be,  what guys thought and what beauty really was. Our senior year we went without makeup and mostly wore sweats to school. Enabling us to focus on who we were. I thought this was the change I needed because I didn't enjoy caring. I wanted to belive I was beautiful. And in some ways and sometimes I did belive it. But high school ended and so the pull between the truth and lies got stronger.

Into college I had roller coaster moments, when I was on top of the world and believe the truth of who I was is the most important. But so much of it depended on who I was with. When I was around people I judged and ladies I compared myself to,  I would be down. But when I was encouraged by those around me,  I didn't even think about it.

Then I hit rock bottom my sophmore year of college. I was so involved with so many people and doing so much that I had to be the best at everything I did. I had to keep up with it all and keep a smile while doing it. Though I may have been tired or sick I had things to do and people to help, I couldn't falter. In the fall I decided to study abroad in Spain. Being away from home, family, and friends I was with one person and myself for 3 months. Though this sounded good it ended up being the lowest point for me.  I didn't have accountability or people to please. But I also didn't know myself well enough and I wasn't secure enough to just be me. I suffered with anxiety, depression and an eating disorder.

One day, months after I got home my sister looked at me and said, "You're so skinny its gross. You need to eat more." I thought skinny meant beautiful, I told myself she didn't understand, but I knew that she was right.  It took me 9 months and a lot of counseling to realize I was sick. I blamed it on so many other things because I was too embarrassed to admit my own faults and weaknesses. I thought that if I admitted to everything I wouldn't be loved or good enough. But to my surprise the healing process brought more love, true friendships and a deeper relationship with Jesus. These were all the things I was seeking before. This is what truly changed my life.

I found that the more I belived the truth and loved myself the more others were able to do the same. The more I loves others for who they were, the more they were able to do the same. Our love for ourself and others can change the world. They change our attitude and our actions to more loving amd therefore we want to spread this love. Working with high school girls and leading at a college group this became my passiom and goal. That girls would know I loved who they were and that I even thought they looked cute no matter what.

I don't think I am perfect and I still struggle with this concept at times but I know this truth: I am beautiful. I have a family,  friends, husband, and heavenly king who tell me and show me so.